SEXY SCIENCE FAIR!!

Science fairs have always ruled.

Like, how could you possibly come up with a better recipe for delicious scientific fantasticness than with the following ingredients...?

*a dash of variables
*a pinch of constants
*one teaspoon of clever ideas
*two shakes of EXPERIMENT
*1/2 a cup of teacher (preferably SCIENCE, but substitute with GYM or ENGLISH in a jam)
*a fistful of elmers glue
*one bendy cardboard displayboard
*a lifetime of pressure to achieve perfection

Anyhow, I'd be willing to go out on a limb and say that most of us in our mid-twenties don't give a flying-F about science fair projects. And rightfully so. I have been living a life of blissful glee for the last 15+ science-fair-free days of my life.

You probably have, too... unless you're like 80 years old, in which case you can't make it to the store to buy that bendy cardboard displayboard and still think gravity is the work of witches. That's OK, nobody's listens to you anyway, and on top of that you can't read this without your glasses... which you can't find, because you're very confused. I still like you, your wrinkles are cute.

THE POINT? Science fairs are totally cool. I'm working on one right now.

Get five hookers, skilled at swallowing "stuff". Do not let them eat anything for 2 days prior to the experiment. They all must wear white lab coats and goggles.

But a lot of gel-capsule animals. If you can get the dinosaur version, that would be preferred.

Hooker #1 ingests TWO animal gel-capsules.

Hooker #2 ingests SIX animal gel-capsules.

Hooker #3 ingests TWELVE animal gel-capsules.

Hooker #4 ingests ZERO animal gel-capsules.

Hooker #5 ingests ZERO animal gel-capsules and a beer.

See what happens, and then construction-paper the results onto a bendy cardboard displayboard.

Win first prize at science fair.

Thank me later.

DON'T ASK, DON'T YELL

That's my policy with the homeless/old people.

Don't ask me for money or help, and I won't yell at you.

WHY I DON'T GO TO CHURCH

Thank you, WFMU, for helping me make informed religious decisions. I am avoiding church now.

SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Problem SOLVED!!!!!

BRILLIANT!

BACON. DOS AND DONTS

6 GOOD PLACES TO PUT BACON:
*FRYING PAN
*NEAR EGGS
*A RESTAURANT
*PICNIC BASKET
*ZIPLOC BAG
*MOUTH

6 FUN THINGS TO DO WITH BACON:
*SMELL IT
*ARRANGE IT ON A PLATE, NEAR EGGS
*MAKE A BACON ROBOT
*ROAD TRIP
*NAP
*ARRANGE IT IN YOUR MOUTH

6 PLACES BACON DOES NOT BELONG:
*CHURCH
*DVD PLAYER (INSIDE, OR ON TOP)
*SIDEWALK
*NEAR A CHILD
*THE LOUVRE
*MASSACHUSETTS

NEVER, EVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN

Terrorist squirrel taken down by brave old man with gun.

SHIFTY SQUIRREL

Thank god for BBC news... circa 2002...

YOUR NEW NUMBER ONE REASON TO VISIT BURNSVILLE, MINNESOTA

This hotel:

FantaSuite Hotels

Which is the best room? Totally subjective, of course. But I can't see how anyone could argue against the SPACE ODYSSEY room.

One of the "amenities" is NINTENDO.

Come on, nothing says "I love you" quite like blowing your boyfriend in a 10-sided spaceship bed while he plays video games and jams out to that AM/FM radio.

Life is GOOD...

(BONUS: It's handicapped accessible)

BLOGGIN' IS ALMOST AS GREAT AS GRILLED CHEESE, AND LESS GREAT THAN TACOS OR PEANUT BUTTER

After 4 straight hours of google-image-searching photos of half-eaten-grilled-cheese-sandwiches and chicks-chocoalte-syrup-blow-up-pool-wrestling, I concluded that I officially am enough of a loser with enough free time to blog the fuck out of the internet...